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Recap: “My dream, it was just, so… vivid. It was too real.”

Chapter 8: Reality

 

Ring.
Ring.

            “Heh-Hello?” I stuttered into my phone.

“Hey Cay…How’s it going? I’m sorry for just barging into your life like this all of a sudden but, um, I just happen to be in New York and I’d…Oh god, what am I doing? I’m sorry, Cay, I should just–”

“No, no” I blurted out. I was appalled at my automatic response. 

“What?” It seemed he was too.

“Ry, That was months ago, I’m over it. We’re ancient history.” I laughed off.

“Um…Yeah, we…are” Ryan’s voice mellowed out.

“Come over to my place, we can talk and catch up with a cup of coffee or something.” I offered.

“Cay…But I couldn’t just…”

“Yes you can, I’m inviting you over.”

“Um, okay, I guess it won’t hur–”

“Great, so it’s a date?” I interrupted.
“I guess so, Cay, why...”

“Stop! We’ll talk when you get here, do you know where I live?”

“Yeah, I do, I remember Brendon talking about it. Hey Cay?”

“Yeah Ry?”

“Thank you, I know you can’t forgive an ass like me but…”

“I have forgiven you, people make mistakes Ry, it’s part of life” I felt the awkward pause. That dreaded awkward pause.

            “Yeah I guess. I’ll be there soon, bye, love yo–, oh crap, sorry, reflex.” Ryan apologized. What should I say to this? I…Ugh.

            “See you soon!”

            Click.

            Caitlin Alexandria Wentz…You can do this.  

           

            Ding Dong.

            My heart just dropped.

            He’s here.

            I ran to the door and stopped for a moment to collect myself. I fiddled around with my hair till I had the guts to turn the doorknob. My hands were shaking as I slowly opened the door.

            “Hey Cay…” Ryan said carefully. I looked up at him, as our eyes met. I’ve missed him.

            His eyes were still greenish-brown, but he had shaved off his beard, and the darkness that encircled his eyes had vanished. He looked better, older, and…better.

            “Ry!” I smiled.

            We settled on the couch and I passed him a cup of coffee across the coffee table.

            “Nice place you got here,” He commented.

            “Thanks, so…what are you doing in New York? I thought you and the guys were working on your new album, isn’t that why Brendon left back to Vegas?” I had to initiate some sort of conversation.

            “Uh, yeah, we are. I just came by to see well if you’d be willing to forgive me.”
            “You know I have Ry…” I looked out the window. I couldn’t relive this past.

            “–And I thank you for that, but I’ve been killing myself over the things that I didn’t have the guts to tell you. Other than the simple, ‘I’m sorry’…”

            “Oh…well, go on…tell me.” It was so hard to keep eye contact with him.

            “I’m so sorry you had to meet an ass like me…you don’t deserve any of the crap that I threw at you. I take all the responsibility over it. You, you…I don’t know how to put this but Cay, you were the only girl that made me feel the way I did. I was just so scared that I could feel so in love with someone. I was scared that feelings like that were possible, so I tried to run away from it, because I knew I would get so hurt. I ran so far away from it that I didn’t realize, you were the only one who was getting hurt out of my idiocy…” Ryan’s voice broke.

            “Ry…it’s okay…” I just wanted to run away. My eyes filled up with tears that I’ve been holding back for so long.

            “No it’s not Cay! I thought that if I ran to someone else then it’d be easier to get over you, but it just made me miss you so much more…you’re the first girl I’ve ever loved.” Ryan sighed.

            The tears finally bled out of my eyes. It hurt so much to hear this from him. Someone I’m suppose to hate was so impossible to hate.

            “Cay, don’t cry…don’t waste your tears on me. I made a huge mistake and…”

            I wiped off the tears and looked up at him. “Ry, everyone makes mistakes. It just depends on whether or not they make it up to the people they hurt.”

            “I just didn’t want to lose you as a friend.”

            “We are friends.” A smile broke my face.

            Ryan let out a smile, that unforgettable smile. He took my hand from the coffee table and gave a reassuring look. Ryan hurried to my side and hugged me. I came closer to him and cried some more on his shirt.

            “Thank you Cay.” Ryan whispered as he wiped off the tears on my face.

 

            After a few minutes on the couch, I got up and washed my face with water. I grabbed a towel and patted the water off my face.

            I came out and found Ryan on the barstool. I hurried to the fridge and grabbed an apple out. I leaned against the bar facing Ryan, face-to-face.

            “So how are the guys?” I enthusiastically asked.

            “They’re great, Jon found a girl, Taylor, Spence is recovering from Alyssa, and Brendon’s going out with Lia.” He smiled.

            “That’s great! What about you? How’s Keltie?” I tried to sound happy.

            “Keltie…we broke up a week after your incident Cay. That’s why I moved back to Vegas…” He confessed.

            “Oh…so you’re single?” Concealing my feelings was so hard.

            “Yes…I am. Well, what about you? Any guys?”

            “None. Not since…you know…” I laughed off.

            “Oh, haha.”

            “Come on, let’s get some Chinese.”

 

            After the night was coming to an end, we were standing like two idiots outside of my apartment door. A kiss, the kiss.

            Ryan grabbed my hand and leaned in and I leaned in as well. We both stopped and Ryan scooped my face into his hands.

            “Cay, I can’t hurt you again.” His tone was sad and lost.

            “I know, and I can’t fall in love with you again… but at least come inside.” I locked my fingers in with his and dragged him to the couch. I kicked my shoes off and turned the TV on. Ryan sat next to me on the couch and put his arm around my shoulder. I placed my head on his chest and he held me close to him.

            I looked up at him and he looked down. We leaned in closer.

            “This is…” I trailed off.

            “Ridiculous.”

            The kiss woke me from my slumber. We both laughed. Our fingers locked together once more and it stayed like that the whole night.

             And in the first time in months, I heard my heart beat again.

 

            I woke to the scent of orange juice. A glass was out on the table, followed with toast. I looked around the room and it was empty.

            “Ry?” I yelled out. He came out from behind and gave me a peck on the cheek.

            “Good morning stranger.” He smiled.

            “Hello.” I chuckled. I slowly pulled my hair back and pulled pants down to my hips.

            “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie Wor-o-orld, imagi…” My phone sang. I quickly grabbed it off the table and answered it.

            “Yo” I confidently hollered into my phone.

            “Cay! Hey! I’m in New York just picking up a few stuff with my girl Lia and well, I really want you to meet her!” Brendon yelled out with joy.

            “Oh..you’re here…in New York…so is…uh, Ry.”

            “He is? Okay, I’ll call him up and–”

            “–Here with me…” I cut out Brendon.

            “Well…we’ll have a double date. So when did this whole you and Ryan thing get back together?” Brendon tried to sound straight and formal.

            “Well…um it just happened?”

            “Oh okay well then it’s a doub-leh date? Haha…” He laughed awkwardly.

            “Sure thing. Text me where and what time.”

            “Yeah…”

            Click.

            Was that awkward or what. “Hmm.” I said as I placed my phone on the table.

            “Who was it?” Ryan asked from across the room.

            “Brendon” I responded dubiously. “He, uh…he said he wanted to go on a double date with us, but Ry I’m not entirely sure where we are on the whole relationship thing.” My hand motions expressed how nervous I was just talking to him about this.

            “Well…I don’t know either. We’re definitely not back together right?” he posed.

            “Right…” I glumly answered.

            “Cay… I thought I told you…I can’t hurt you, not again.”

            “But, we’re falling back into old habits and…” I was speechless. He’s being such a hypocrite and…so was I.

            “I know Cay, I was wrong and…”

            “Stop. We’re both being hypocrites. We said we had to stop but we can’t. Can’t we just go along with it? See where it goes? I mean the Gods have united us again and I mean…”

            “…At least see what they have planned?” Ryan finished my sentence.

            “Yes.” I breathed out.

            “You’re right. Plus, Brendon hasn’t found a girl in forever. He was so stuck on some girl for so long he’s been missing out. We should just support him. I hope he’s not just using Lia.” Ryan carried on wiping the glasses he had just washed.

            “What do you mean stuck on some girl? He’s never had any girl...wow that sounds cruel but I mean, who has he gone out with after Audrey and Britney?”

            “I don’t know, he never told us, but he just said he was in love with some girl and he had to get over her because she won’t be with him, ever.”

            “Oh…wonder why he didn’t tell me…” I looked down at the floor. I thought I was friends with Brendon. But, hmm…oh well. At least he’s happy with someone now…

           

            “Brendon!” I yelled out waving my hand out of the cab. Ryan took care of the bill as I ran out to hug Brendon.

            “Uh, hey…” Brendon awkwardly greeted. “What’s with the bag Ry?”

            “Haha, I have to get back to Vegas. At least grab more clothes and come back.”

            “You’re coming back?”

            “Oh, so this is the lucky girl! Hi, pleased to meet you, I’m…” I stopped the disputing tone that Brendon was throwing at Ryan and decided to take the conversation else where.

            “…Caitlin Wentz!” Lia finished my intro. “Brendon has told me so much about you, and Ryan, and oh, I love your dress!” Lia commented.

            “Thanks! I got it from Marc Jacobs!” I grabbed her arm and pulled her off to our table. “Come on guys!” I called.

            As Lia and I made ourselves comfortable in our seats the guys came over. I slowly observed her features, other than the fact that she was beautiful, her killer eyes could make any man fall in love with her. A green-blue colour, just like Adriana Lima’s and her long wavy brown hair was…there just weren’t any words to describe her beauty.

“Lia, I knew Brendon could pick out good ones, but, I didn’t think you’d be this great!” I complimented.

            “Oh you’re just saying that! Well you’re great too Caitlin!”

We were like two girls on medication; all night long we couldn’t keep our mouths shut. The guys observed our energy and contributed a couple of sentences to our chat. 

 

            By the end of the night we were all so exhausted.             I hugged both of them goodbye and told Lia to add me on ‘facebook’.

            “What a night!” I sighed as Ryan and I trailed off.

            “Haha, you and Lia are so alike! No wonder Brendon picked her.”

            “But she on the other hand is gorgeous! And…what do you mean no wonder he picked her?”

            “Well, I had a clue of who he was in love with…” Ryan put his arms around my waist as we strolled down the side walk. I took a deep breath in and turned around to face him.

            “Who?”

            “You, Cay. That’s why I had to especially keep away from you, but when he started going out with Lia…well that’s when I thought I should apologize to you.”

            “That’s why he acted so weird around us tonight.”

            “I have a feeling Cay, he’s still in love with you.” Ryan looked away from the perfect gaze we had going on.

            “What do you mean? Haha don’t be silly Ry!” I felt so oblivious.

            “When I kissed your cheek in there or did anything that professed my feelings for you, he did the same, but with Lia and he glared at me before doing it.

            “I tried to catch him before we left, just to talk to him but he took a cab so that was too late.”

            “Oh…” What could I say? I broke Brendon’s heart. Ryan pulled me closer to his chest and I played around with the button on his shirt for a while before something was said.

            “Cay.”

            “Hmm?” I looked up at him innocently.

            “You’re…beautiful, more than Lia, and more than any girl in this world.”

            “Hey…I say, you’re nice.” I smiled.

            “And lucky.” He laughed. He tilted his head to kiss me and I did the same. He grabbed my cheeks and my arms were around his back.

            I suddenly felt cold drops on my cheeks and Ryan pulled back. I was crying and Ryan sensed it.

            “Babe…”

            “Ryan, we can’t, we’re hurting so many people, well we will when we tell everyone and especially we’ll hurt each other in the end…”

            “I know, we can’t kid ourselves.”

            “Ryan you have no idea how long I’ve waited for this.”

            “I think I do. I’ve been waiting too.”

            “Ry…” I stopped myself, I felt so weak.

            “Cay, maybe in a different life, in a different world, some time…later, I’ll be waiting. But not now, not here and not ev…” He hugged me tight, I knew he couldn’t say the last part. He was hurting as much as I was, maybe even more. He slowly let me go. His long fingers brushed off the tears that kept falling down my cheek.

            “Ryan…I’m still in love with you.” I admitted.

            “Caitlin…I’m still in love with you.” His palms departed from my cheek and he squeezed my hands. He kissed it farewell. Once he let go of me for good, we both knew, this was the end, the end. 

            We both took a step back, slowly trying to focus on something, or someone else, but it was impossible. We turned around and walked away. I tried so hard not to look back. I pulled my cardigan close to me as my arms folded tightly.

The tears kept coming and I had no choice but to accept it. I looked back one last time just to see where he was. His arms were up on his face while he slowly glided through the sidewalk. It pained me so much to see him walk away like that.

Half of me wanted to yell out his name but the other half was so broken that I couldn’t even peep a sound.

The throbbing pain was back and the hand that knotted and twisted my heart was back to stay.

I wiped my tears away and hurried my way home. I had to get away from here. My eyes dried as I breathed in and out so heavily. I tried to fill my throat with a burning sensation that would numb the shattered feelings that were thrown at me all at once. The twisted angel of hell came back to haunt my dreams and kill me softly.

When I opened the doors, a whiff of his scent fell through me. My eyes started to water, and I slammed the doors shut. I carefully made my way to the couch grabbing the skin that hid my heart. I felt like ripping out my heart so then I’d feel nothing because it would feel so much better.

My heart fell and fell. Beat to beat. Slow then fast, fast then slow. I just wanted it to stop. I didn’t know what to do. My emotions were uncontrollable. I felt furious, hurt, and lost. I hated that feeling.

Ryan hurt me, I hurt Brendon, I hurt Ryan and he hurt me. How could this have gone so out of hand? He’s always been…I had to stop. I can’t kill myself over it.

I lied on the couch for hours. Thinking, how I’ll make it out…at the very least, alive.

 

 

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heyy sorry this took forever, school is a killer! well please comment on what you think!

and ideas for the next chapter! i promise to post sooner! 

hey guys i'm thinking of restarting the fanfic, like make it better in the earlier chapters and condense it and add new chapters to make the story easier and fun to understand. or i might just bind all these chapters together and make a booklet and send it to people who want (ofcourse with charge) but i don't think mines good enough. please leave ideas. 

xoxo